i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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