bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
