Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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