I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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