Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
