I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
