She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
