Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize