if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
