I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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