I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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