if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
