Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
