Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
