Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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