Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
im on a boat
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