3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
