Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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