I need to stop coming to work sober
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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