There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
