I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
