I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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