Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
