you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
