I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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