Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
