I accidentally had phone sex last night
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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