if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
