he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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