U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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