it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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