No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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