He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
