I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
