I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
