i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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