I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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