it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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