I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
