she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
