I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
