why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
