You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
