I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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