words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
