You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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