my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
