If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
organizing the empties. That sober.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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