Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
should my penis look like a turkey
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
