Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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