3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize