just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
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