he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
