you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
